crisis pregnancy centers

Hearing the shocking news from your unwed daughter or son that a baby is on the way can be more than many parents can bear. Initial feelings of distress, embarrassment, disappointment—even emotions such as anger, confusion, and guilt—are very normal. What you cannot do is go back and change the past. If you want to help you child (and your future grandchild) now, you have to learn to accept this new and unexpected reality for what it is and embrace along with it a new set of responsibilities as both a parent and grandparent. Hopefully the following bits of advice are useful to you as you begin a new and exciting chapter in both your life and the life of your son or daughter.

Advice to Grandparents ¹

If your unmarried daughter or son tells you a baby is on the way, it will be helpful to keep in mind the following things:

• Decisions regarding an out-of-wedlock baby belong primarily to the mother and father, even if they are minors. The unwed couple should seek counseling about their child. Grandparents may need counseling as well. (We would love to help you in any way that we can in this regard. To get in touch with a caring and concerned member of our trained staff, contact the center nearest you by clicking here.)
• Anger, blame, and biting remarks between the two families make things more difficult.
• Offer advice and support kindly and not in a threatening or controlling manner.
• Don't continue to dwell on the "immorality" that caused the pregnancy. While sex outside of wedlock is immoral, being pregnant isn't. Address the present concern of making preparations for the new life that will soon be coming into the world instead of the past sexual immorality caused the pregnancy.
• Do not make extravagant promises to help. Your daughter or son may need emotional support, financial help, babysitting, furniture and clothing, etc. Be clear with your child where the baby fits into your life.
• Education and career goals may change for an unwed parent raising a baby. Plans don't necessarily need to be abandoned, but adjustments and sacrifices will have to be made. It's not easy, but it can be done successfully and positively as many have shown.
• An unwed mother is usually eligible for assistance through the Department of Economic Security (DES) which provides aid to dependent children, subsidized housing, food stamps, and subsidized child care. Such assistance is determined by the unwed parent's educational level and earning capacity. Job training and scholarship programs for high school and college are also available.
• Grandmothers: Stick to the role of grandmother. The baby is the mother's responsibility. Mother and grandmother might make a contract as to who cares for the baby—and when. Stick to it!
• Grandfather may be the male role model for his grandchild. He should call himself "Grandfather" though, and not be known as "dad" to the grandchild.
• Be lovingly supportive while the new parent accepts responsibilities. An unwed parent doesn't need reminders that she/he made a mistake. Decisions should never be based on "making sure she learns her lesson." This is certainly not fair to the baby, who had no say in the matter and definitely did not make any "mistakes!" Acceptance and reassurance heal faster than a punishing attitude.
• Grandparents may feel anger and resentment toward the other parent, believing their child has been mistreated. The other parent may love the child and should be expected to meet financial and other obligations. Try not to let hostility keep the other parent away from his child.
• Encouraging a marriage to somehow "legitimize" the pregnancy is a mistake and can result in two major problems: (1) a bad marriage between two ill-matched people and (2) a baby being raised in an unhealthy and stressful environment. Consider postponing marriage until after the birth when the couple can maturely and without the pressure of looming birth determine if they are compatible.

Adoption

Adoption is a loving decision that often is made in the best interest of both the parents and the child. Should the parents choose to release their child to a loving and supportive adoptive family, the following should be kept in mind:

• Provide a complete family ethnic and health history should the couple decide to relinquish their baby. This can be done anonymously. Openness and honesty will help the child grow up knowing his or her roots.
• A parent who relinquishes a baby needs special care. Your daughter or son may grieve and yearn for the baby for many months. Often there is a yearning to see the child and to talk through the decision many times. Help by allowing the parents to grieve openly and without shame. Open adoption (where the birth parents stay in regular contact with their child and the adoptive family) makes this adjustment all the easier.
• Grandparents also grieve when a grandchild is relinquished. Share this grief with the parents and be reassuring at the same time. There will always be memories—continue to love and pray for your grandchild.

Loving support is the most important function of grandparents. Unwed parents who have good relations with their parents fare the best. However, never do for the baby what the parent could be doing.

Common Feelings Associated with Out-of-Wedlock Pregnancy

Distress: Oftentimes your children aren't mature enough for this serious responsibility, or there are other problems or complications that exist. Grandparents know the responsibilities that go with raising a baby.

Embarrassment: Grandparents are often more embarrassed than their children. Most people on hearing the news of the baby are very understanding. There is no need for apologies. Out-of-wedlock children are nothing new to this world or present-day society. Many such children have made extremely significant contributions to humanity down through history. A child is on the way that will need the love and support only found in a family. In the end you must behave in a way that is beyond your initial embarrassment.

Disappointment: The hopes and dreams you had for your daughter or son are changed. Remember that those dreams were your dreams. Your child may have different dreams. Life often veers off in different directions. But realize that embarrassment or disappointment shouldn't determine your response to this often difficult family situation.

Anger: Some grandparents ask, "How could you do this to me?" as if the pregnancy is deliberate. Unwed couples can be more frightened and confused than the grandparents. They turn to their parents because parents can be trusted.

Confusion: Where will this lead? Who is responsible? Sit down together and discuss the situation. See an obstetrician. Contact a social service agency (perhaps of your religious denomination). If your child is a teen, talk with the parents of the boyfriend/girlfriend.

Guilt: Some grandparents blame themselves for choices their child made, recalling parenting mistakes they regret. No parents can claim a perfect record. You cannot turn back the clock. Try not to dwell on the past and concentrate on today.

¹ Adapted from "Advice to Grandparents" (Phoenix, AZ: Unwed Parents Anonymous, © 2001).