How Far is Too Far?
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
(2 Timothy 2:22)
The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.
(C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
Levels of Intimacy
Physical intimacy proceeds along what could truly be labeled a "slippery slope." That is, once you begin down the road of sexual intimacy, everything is rapidly moving toward its climax in sexual intercourse. While kissing and cuddling might seem like innocent and harmless signs of affection that should naturally occur in any dating relationship, rarely does it ever stop there. Sexual contact can be described on a descending ladder of intensity as follows:
- hand holding
- kissing
- sexual kissing
- intentional sexual touching of buttocks or thighs
- touching of clothed breasts
- simulated intercourse
- bare breast contact
- genital contact
- oral sex
- attempted intercourse
- intercourse (including anal sex)
The "slippery slope" is such that what began as kissing, grew to more passionate kissing which led to caressing and fondling, and then to greater sexual contact and the shedding of clothes. Before you had a chance to think about what was happening, the moment (and your bodies) took over and intercourse occurred. You maybe didn't start out planning to have sex, but that's what ended up happening. Why?
There are several answers to this question that won't be explored here. Simply let it be said that human beings were created by God as sexual beings. As such, we were given a body and a mind complete with sex drives, and as those drives are stimulated they are designed to move toward a climax. This is a plain fact that no one should be ignorant to. Kissing and caressing someone in sexually stimulating ways is "foreplay," and foreplay is designed by God (and so hardwired into our bodies) to culminate in sexual intercourse.
How Far is Too Far?
This leads to a natural and very popular question among teens and older singles: How far is too far? Though this is a common question, it isn't the best question to ask, because usually it means something like, "How close to the fire can I stand without burning myself to the point of bad scarring?" If a parent tells his child "Don't step out on the freeway," an obedient and smart child won't reason, "Well, okay, I know you said I can't 'step out' on the freeway, but can I just put my leg out into oncoming traffic, if it is not touching the road itself? Can I stick my head out into the fast lane, if I promise to only stand on the shoulder of the road, which isn't technically a lane on the road where cars drive?" If he has any respect for his parent, and any brains at all, he'll stay far away from the freeway instead of seeing how close he can get to oncoming traffic without actually being hit by any of it. To put himself close to the freeway is to subject himself to unnecessary temptation to act on his impulses, disobey, and put himself in grave danger.
Therefore, if you don't want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage, then don't engage in foreplay with anyone who is not your spouse. Since sexual intercourse before marriage is risky, it is also risky to engage in any activity that propels your mind and body toward sexual intercourse. Thus, "foreplay" for the single person is a risky and dangerous behavior because it rapidly prepares two people for sexual intercourse. If you want to avoid having sex with a person, then draw the line far before you engage in any behavior that sexually stimulates either of you. (In general, guys are more easily and more quickly "turned-on," and physically it takes their bodies less time to be ready for sex, so the line for them must certainly be drawn farther back than would be necessarily needed by the girl.)
It's pretty simple: the more sexually stimulated you become, the more you will want to push for more. Behaviors like kissing, caressing, fondling, are not isolated or alone. They belong rather to a connected string of behaviors that are all moving toward one goal—sexual climax. The body is so designed that once you begin down the road of sexual stimulation, it will push for more until it is satisfied. You can see, therefore, that unless you are ready to live with the potential consequences of sexual intercourse, such as becoming pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted infection, then you are not ready for any sexual contact which was designed to lead to it.
When you or your partner begin to be become stimulated (even by apparently innocent physical contact), then both of you must back off immediately if you want to avoid having sex. To not back off is like choosing to stay in a canoe headed toward a waterfall. It's not just wrong, it's stupid. People who allow their minds to dwell on sexual images and who engage in sexual stimulation together shouldn't be surprised when they have sexual intercourse. It's simply the natural result of the choices they've made. If you want a different outcome, then make different choices.
Choosing Wisely
Because the safest and best choice is always abstinence until marriage, we must recognize that if we want to be completely protected from unnecessary risk or undo stress, we need clear boundaries in place. Boundaries bring safety and provide security, like the fence on the edge of the Grand Canyon that keeps you from falling over the edge to certain death. Boundaries also enable progress and perseverance toward your goals.
Remember: Once you let your body cross the line, it will neither know nor care about your previous commitments or convictions. The time to decide where to draw the line must be made in moments of strength (before the temptation to cross the line is present) and then stuck to in moments of weakness (when the temptation is present), not in moments of weakness when sexual temptation is greatest and compromise is sure.
Our Protector is Good
When God tells us in the Bible not to have premarital sex, he has our best interests in mind. He is not being cruel or mean to prohibit sex outside of marriage, he is being a loving Father who wants to protect his children from harm. It is not cruel or mean for a parent to warn their child about the dangers of playing in traffic, or going home with a stranger. It is not overly restrictive and unloving to say to your child, "You mustn't go home with any person that you do not know." Any parent who gave his or her child such "freedoms" as to go home with strangers would be evil indeed! So God is not evil but good and seeking what is best for us when he says to save sex for a committed and lifelong relationship called marriage.
In telling us to wait, God is not only protecting us from unplanned pregnancy and countless, potentially deadly, sexually transmitted infections, he is also protecting us from the heartbreak and misery inherent in joining ourselves intimately with someone who we eventually will break it off with, creating pain and tearing in our souls.
What's right is always what's smart, and always for our good. Sex is not just something casual you do; sex is someone you are. It is linked to the welfare of your whole person. Having sex outside of marriage is self-destructive in every sense. Sexual purity is always for the best—not only for God and others, but for you.
Victory is Possible
For the Christian, Jesus has given all the resources required to resist every temptation:
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age. (Titus 2:11-12)
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. (2 Peter 1:3-4)
Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:12-13)
Living for the Future
Finally, we must learn to think about life in terms of how decisions will affect us down the road, and not just in the immediate future. Good or bad, the Bible says we will always reap what we sow; in other words, we will eventually have to eat for dinner the food we plant and grow in our gardens. Whether pleasing or rotten, we will always harvest the consequences of our choices.
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:7-9)
Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny.
It doesn't matter how smart or talented or wealthy or popular you think you are. No matter whom you are and what you have achieved, if you step off the edge of a high cliff, you will fall to your death. Gravity is law and there's just no getting around it. Likewise, God has set up spiritual laws that govern the universe, including laws concerning our sexual behavior. If we break his commandments, ultimately we get broken.
Sexual integrity is a lifestyle to be lived. Each relationship needs to be focused and based on a friendship. Ask yourself the questions,
- How can I maintain trust with this person?
- How can I encourage him/her?
- How can I protect him/her from unnecessary pain or difficult and miserable circumstances?
- How can I leave this person better than when I found him/her?
When we care more about the other person than we do ourselves, danger and compromise are extinguished. But when we are being selfish and thinking only about ourselves, what will please us most in the moment, we run the risk of causing damage far beyond our ability to repair.