Sex
How far is too far?
Typically most people assume that only penetration of the vagina (or possibly the anus) is considered "sex." However, the fact is that any genital contact falls under the category of sex and carries the risk of being exposed to a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Thus, to have "sex" with someone can be as broad as any intentional stimulation of another's genitals, and sexual activity, while it includes penile-vaginal, anal and oral sex, also involves other actions intended to result in sexual arousal or gratification such as masturbation, mutual masturbation, fondling, the use of sex toys, and the viewing of pornography.
What's the Big Deal about Sex?
The gift of sex doesn't simply contain great pleasure to be had; it comes with great responsibility and potentially harmful consequences as well. Sex can be better understood when compared to another powerful gift to humanity: fire. The gift of fire is a wonderful thing. But it can also be incredibly dangerous. Within the boundaries of its intended setting—a fireplace—it brings many blessings to those present: light to illuminate the darkness; warmth to heat the air. Without fire many people would be in danger of freezing to death and unable to see once the sun had gone down. But because of fire properly harnessed and used, we can move about at night and protect ourselves from cold.
But what happens when fire escapes its boundaries? If you take the fire that brings so many comforts while in the fireplace, and move it to the center of the living room, your house will burn down and you will lose all of your possessions, perhaps even your life.
Sex, likewise, offers blessing to those who keep it within the boundaries of its intended setting—marriage. More than just for procreation and pleasure, sex is designed to unite two human beings and create a "one flesh" bond between them that is to last for life. Simply put: sex takes two and makes them one. Once a couple is joined in this way, they are bonded together so intimately and strongly that to separate them causes ripping and tearing. Many of you who have had a sexual relationship with someone you are no longer with know the pain of this separation. As much as our culture tries to make sex an everyday and "casual" experience, the reality is that the powerful uniting force created by sexual intimacy always takes a piece of the couple with it when they "break up." In fact, "break up" they do—emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Just as fire was made for a fireplace, and is only safe when contained within strict boundaries, so sex was made for marriage, and is only "safe" when practiced by a committed, faithful, married couple. But what blessings of pleasure, children, and unity it brings to those who experience it there! Sex is truly one of God's greatest and most amazing gifts!
Today Decides Tomorrow
The choices you make today will literally decide what the future looks like, both tomorrow and down the road in your life. This is one reason why it is so important that you save sex for the one special person you will choose to spend the rest of your life with. Without the protection of the marriage covenant, sex is destructive. Even if you have made mistakes in the past, we want to help you make the best and most positive choices possible, ones that will ensure you a healthy and happy future. You can do it.
more sex = more risk
Here's why this matters so much. Every time you have sex, you put yourself at risk. And the risks are big—life-changing, in fact. For starters, you could get pregnant, an event that will effect the rest of your life. You also have a high chance of catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI), another event that will radically effect your future.
If you're not ready to be pregnant, you're not ready for sex.
Neither condoms nor birth control pills or other forms of contraceptives are 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy. So, the more times you have sex the greater the risk you run of getting pregnant (or getting someone else pregnant). Suddenly, you're a parent. In a single moment your life can change forever.
Sexually transmitted infections are a real threat every time you have sex, even if you use a condom.
Condoms reduce but do not eliminate the risk of catching sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV and gonorrhea. They're even less effective at preventing genital herpes, chlamydia, and syphilis. What's more, they offer absolutely no protection against HPV (human papillomavirus)—one of the most common STIs in the U.S. and the cause of 90 percent of all cervical cancer. So even if you use a condom correctly every time, you're still placing yourself at risk. Plus, studies show that teens are more likely targets for STIs than older people. And the more sexual partners you have in your lifetime, the greater risk you run of getting infected with an STI.
When you have sex with someone, you are having sex with everyone they have had sex with for the last ten years, and everyone they and their partners have had sex with for the last ten years.
-C. Everett Koop, M.D., Former U.S. Surgeon General
Internal bleeding.
But there are other good reasons to save sex for marriage other than just the risks involved physically. These have to do with your feelings and memories, with your heart and mind. Sex is a powerful act that creates a strong and intimate bond between two people that was never intended to be broken. So when sex is separated from commitment and faithfulness, serious damage results. The intimate bond of unity created by sex is so strong that to break it always causes tearing and ripping in your heart as well as your partner's.
I wish I had waited.
One of the greatest lies circulating today goes something like this, "Since I've already had sex, it doesn't matter what I do anymore." Nothing could be further from the truth. The more sex you have the greater risk you run of catching an STI or getting pregnant, and the more bonded you become and the more memories you create with another that when broken will leave enduring scars on your heart and mind. Every time you have sex, regardless of whether it's your first time or not, you are placing yourself in a dangerous situation that could change your life forever. That is why one study reported that over half of all teens that had sex at least once reported that they wish they had waited.
Secondary virginity.
What's past is past. No one can go back and undo the mistakes he has made. We all live with certain regrets. But the good news is that our past does not define us. Nothing that has happened to us or that we have done has to determine what our future will be like. Our present choices determine what our future will be, not our past actions. You can start fresh today.
A great place to start is to talk with a physician about your sexual history so that he or she can give you the proper health care or testing that you need. You're not a virgin anymore, but secondary virginity is about second chances. God allows U-turns! And you have the chance to make one right now. Make a commitment beginning now that you will not have sex again until your wedding night. What a special gift to give to your future spouse! The only way to have safe sex is to save sex for marriage.
And if somebody overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
To help you with your commitment, tell your parents, a mentor, your significant other, or some close friends about your decision and ask for their help in holding you accountable to abstaining from future sexual activity. If they don't want to help you make healthier and wiser decisions in your life, then that lets you know just what kind of friends they are. Find people around you who will be supportive of this new decision and tell them about it.
Make a plan to avoid sexually-tempting material or situations, and let those wiser than you among your close relationships help you with this. Write your plan down. This will help you in fulfilling it. Be creative—life is full of so many fun things that don't put your life in danger. Spend more time in groups and less time alone with members of the opposite sex. Go on group dates instead of one-on-one dates. Avoid situations where drugs and alcohol are being used. These substances cloud your brain, damage your judgment, and numb your ability to stay in control over your choices and body. Getting drunk or high will only cause you to act stupidly and do things you will later regret.
With the support of those you love and your refusal to compromise, you are more than able to live a life of secondary virginity.
So we would encourage you to commit to remaining abstinent-until-marriage and to write out a plan that will help you fulfill your goal. We would further encourage you to sign a pledge of commitment as evidence of your positive decision to save sex for marriage.
We have a pledge we have drafted for just such a purpose that we would love to make available to you. You can print as many as you would like for your own use or to give to others by clicking here.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. (Jesus, John 10:10)
For the sake of your body, for the sake of your heart and mind, and for the sake of your future happiness, make the choice that will make the most out of your life. Isn't time you took advantage of your second chance? Claim your secondary virginity today and don't let anyone take it away from you.